I recently came across a post from a website called simpleorganiclife.com. It was talking about meridians and Chinese medicine and detoxes that all obviously happen when you put an onion in your sock. Obviously.
I checked through the scientific literature, and you won’t believe that I found six more things that happen when you sleep with onions in your socks.
1.You spend more time in solemn contemplation of the universe.
It has everything to do with your choice to be alone in thought and nothing to do with your newly acquired reek of rancid salad. Of course. #namaste
2.Your awareness of the diversity of your planet increases.
The website said something about meridians. The prime one is in England, right? Or is that a Chinese medicine thing? Either way, you’re feeling diverse enough to wear a print that you bought from Urban Outfitters labeled “ethnic” and a goddamn feathered headdress to Bonnaroo, you freethinker, you!
3. Animals are drawn to bow down to your authority and clean toxins off you.
Your dog also eats poop. FYI for while he’s helping “detox” the new flavor off your tootsies.
4. Your awareness that Big Pharma is out to get you is awakened.
When you slip and fall in the middle of the night because there are goddamn onions in your socks and those little discs of olfactory goodness are slippery, you will get a concussion. That $600 bill for two aspirin? #illuminaticonfirmed
5. Something about gluten.
That shit goes great on a sandwich. Just saying.
6. Your doctor will be thrilled to discuss Google MD’s groundbreaking medical insight at your next appointment.
Specifically, your next psychiatry appointment.
Don’t fucking put onions in your socks.