I can’t goddamn believe I’m writing this.
But I posted this stupid fucking meme and it went viral because the internet is a strange place where funny cat pictures are in charge and I’m just a denizen to serve them.
I thought it would just be a throwaway meme.
I thought people would giggle and move on.
I thought wrong.
At this point, it’s been shared about 15,000 times and people are still arguing on my facebook page whether donuts or crystal meth are healthier.
…And I suddenly understand politics.
So because people don’t understand the differences between food and drugs or that you can eat one donut without gorging on five thousand of them or how an addictive substance works, here now are five reasons why donuts are healthier than crystal meth.
1.You can brush the sugar from a donut off your teeth, no problem. Meth, however…
Not even a Sonicare toothbrush and a thousand miles of floss can un-do whatever the fuck meth does to them.
We all get it. Sugar isn’t the greatest for your teeth, and donuts are small delicious little circles of sugar, fat, gluten, and unadulterated bliss. But the potential for tooth decay from sugar is largely exposure dependent and you can stop it by brushing and flossing regularly. You can have it as a treat, but don’t live on sugar, mmmkay?
‘Meth Mouth,’ on the other hand, can’t go away with Crest White strips and a tooth brush high powered enough to simultaneously jackhammer two women in a porno seen on websites like FullTubeXXX. A handful of things are thought to cause this, including dry mouth and the acidity level of inhaled meth. Furthermore, in the study linked earlier in this paragraph, though the dental issues are similar to those on other drug users, they appear faster and more severe on meth users.
But hey, you’re skinny as a rail while your teeth and skin are rotting off your face. Maybe a donut would help.
2. You can safely have a donut binge every once in a while and walk away alive. Good luck on that with meth.
Though I thought it was an easy comparison that one donut was healthier than one “dose” of illegal drug crystal meth, i.e. methamphetamine, perhaps this took more of an explanation. Though it has some controlled medicinal purposes, in crystal meth form it’s pretty goddamn easy to overdose on. Symptoms include:
- Chest pain
- Heart attack
- Difficulty breathing
- Kidney failure
- Severe stomach pain
- The stopping of one’s heart
- Falling into a coma
- And of course…
And this is after you’ve possibly turned into a human skeleton with skin that’s falling off and really bad teeth.
Side effects of a donut “overdose?” You need to brush your teeth, deal with a little bit of bloating, and you’re walking around with that slight feeling of regret in your tight jeans for a day or two until you hit the gym.
(Or no regret. Because fuck it, those were delicious).
Oh. The horror.
I’ve had a Krispy Kreme or two. I’m at a healthy weight, I still have all my teeth, and I never worried about overdosing. On that note…
3. Being skinny is not a good defense of meth heads. And donuts are not the #1 leading cause of obesity.
I cannot believe I read this on a science page. But this comment came up again and again and again.
“I’ve never seen a fat person on meth.”
IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE DYING FROM BEING DRUG ADDICTS. TATTOO THAT BACKWARDS ON YOUR ASS AND STARE INTO YOUR THIRD BROWN EYE FOR A GOOD LONG TIME.
Or pink eye, I haven’t seen your asses. Maybe you’re into anal bleaching. Or clam steaming. Whatever.
On the other hand, I’ve seen people of all shapes and sizes who eat donuts. Some of them are skinny. Some of them are overweight. And some of those people who eat donuts, I guarantee you, are overweight because of things other than the donuts because obesity isn’t a zero sum game. It’s not “one donut = I’m suddenly obese.” It’s a lot of things put together along with caloric intake and exercise, but an occasional donut? Fuck you and your myopic view of one food being the enemy. This applies to soda, bread, grains, dairy, or whatever the food-du-jour is that you think is the enemy making people fat. You can indeed eat a donut- occasionally- and work them into a healthy caloric load. Don’t be stupid about it. Eat your vegetables, fruits, and an appropriate amount of protein and carbs to fuel your life first.
And have a donut once in a while if you so choose.
I’ve yet to meet a doctor who says you can enjoy a little meth once in a while along with your morning protein bar and coffee.
4. Nobody is sucking dick for donuts.
I’m already waiting for somebody to tell me that this has happened in the comments. I bring you Bob Saget:
Aaaand cue the people telling me that sugar is addictive.
For the last goddamn time, no it’s not.
And by the last time, I mean I’ll end up writing about this because this is one of those zombie myths that keeps coming back to life because people want to believe it.
Sugar is sweet. It tastes good. You can crave it, sure. I’m craving some fruit right now, in no doubt partially because it’s sweet. But it does not trigger your brain the same way that drugs do. It does not cause the same withdrawal symptoms that drugs do. And it certainly does not cause the same physical conditions that drugs do. And if I don’t get my hands on an apple in the next few hours, I’m not going to start sweating, shaking, and hunting for a dealer somewhere on the corner.
Yes, someone can consume too much sugar. That’s absolutely true. But that can be said of the other two macronutrients as well. At this point in history, we’re demonizing sugar because the market has been flooded with bullshit books telling us this is the macronutrient du jour to cut out of our diets to make us skinny.
Try eating less of all the macronutrients if you want to keep your weight down, but if you think the white crystalline sugar in a donut is as dangerous as the white crystals in meth, you’ve been drinking the blue crystals in some organic, kale laced kool-aid.
5. The components of a donut are all just fine. Meth, however…
I didn’t say they were a bastion of good health. I didn’t say that you should base your diet on them. However, if you need proof, look at the basic composition of a donut. It’s cake flour, sugar, yeast, water, and sugar glaze. Nothing dangerous. Chemically speaking, it’s bread with sugar and oil.
And they’re small. Krispy Kreme glazed donut will ping you for less than 200 calories. That’s less than a lot of desserts, especially the desserts you get at large chain restaurants. Moderation and making sure that you eat within your body’s caloric needs are key here.
If you actually think the entire obesity epidemic is caused by a 190 calorie little fluffy pillow of delicious, you have a perception problem. Yes, there’s an obesity issue, but donuts specifically? Come the fuck off of it. One donut a week won’t hurt you. Hell, a couple a week won’t hurt you as long as you’re burning it off.
However, we do have a bit of a meth problem in this country. The production of meth causes property damage, and the drug itself taken recreationally can cause a lot of damage even in a short period in someone’s life. And meth itself, unlike a donut, has zero value to most people nutritionally, medically, or otherwise. It’s just going to fuck up your life.
So… Donuts: 5. Meth: 0
And again, I can’t believe this needed to be written, but given that there are over a thousand comments on the goddamn meme, you’re welcome or I’m sorry.
And look, if all of this hasn’t convinced you, I have a solution: