Recent reports have spawned concern that the shortage of jade yoni eggs have caused women to share their eggs, resulting in a herpes outbreak in the Beverly Hills area of California.
Despite the lack of scientific evidence of jade eggs efficacy, women flocked to Goop.com to purchase theirs upon the site’s proclamation that they could “harness the power of energy work, crystal healing, (…) increase chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general.” Additionally, the site run by Gwyneth Paltrow claims that the egg being made of nephrite jade was essential to its “power to cleanse and clear (making) it ideal for detox, too.” Some women who landed on the 4,000 person waiting list inevitably bought a quartz egg, leaving them without the wonderful detoxing properties and just shoving a stupid fucking rock into their vaginas. Others took matters into their own hands.
“Well we thought we could just share the eggs, then we could even share our feminine energy that the eggs stored, isn’t that how that works?” said one egg aficionado as she left the pharmacy with a newly filled Valtrex prescription. The confusion for Goop followers is understandable, as previously Paltrow has told users that you can kill deadly parasites with milk. It stood to reason that they thought a cleansing egg was a part of a Goop-filled balanced breakfast to prevent all manner of sexually transmitted infections.
However, the women of Beverly Hills are reacting with anger that their guru has let them down, and hard. “How is this possible, I was on a goddamn healing calming cleanse,” exclaimed Skylar Rainbow Madison upon leaving her holistic healer’s office in Silver Lake.
“I can’t believe it,” Gwyneth Paltrow said when reached for comment about the upscale pussy rocks, sold at her website for $66. “All I did was tell people to shove something into their pussies for like the fifth time that wasn’t gynecologist or FDA approved and somehow people got sick. I can’t possibly be at fault for all the stupid shit I’ve said, right?”
Paltrow is now working on launching homeopathic, natural, chemical free, mineral-based, traditional, old world, cleansing herpes treatment for seven easy payments of $1,995.95. Plus tax.
(This entire article has been satire. Except for the part about the fact that jade eggs are fucking stupid and don’t do anything and they’re not recommended by gynecologists and Gwyneth Paltrow is not a health expert. That’s all true. Please don’t put rocks in your pussies.).