Every so often something just too Paltrow-y not to rant about shows up like a gift from the wooniverse. It’s like Jesus hugging a kitten while riding a unicorn.
This rose quartz comb is $160. Fuck me with a cactus.
Does this comb come with a really fancy hair dryer, some styling products, or perhaps a pony, you ask? No. It’s a comb. It’s a goddamn comb. It’s made of rose quartz, which is considered by some to be… a pretty rock.* However, there is no measurable medical benefit from this product above beyond what you get from a 99 cent plastic comb. Crystal healing is just bullshit.
To get around this, they write about it very carefully:
– Clears negativity and restores loving energy
– Smooths strands and detangles hair
– Provides gentle stimulation to scalp
Detangles, yes. Stimulation, sure, I’ll give them that. But… loving energy? How do you put ‘love’ in someone’s hair? Does it ejaculate in your hair?
(Yes, my mother reads my blog, and she’s very proud).
Is there measurable negative energy in hair? Am I just having a bad hair day because my hair has a sad? Doubtful. However, since there is no measurable way to define the claims of “clears negativity” or restoring “loving energy” by brushing your hair, it’s sufficiently vague to get by the FTC. It also doesn’t say who/what/where is cleared of negative energy or given loving energy. Vagueness is your friend while preaching the gospel of bullshit.
Let’s look at their full product description, shall we?
If you want to know more…
Transform your beauty routine into a time of self-love and care! Comb away the day’s stress and tension with this Rose Quartz Crystal Energy Comb to rebalance and restore your scalp and hair’s harmony. Rose quartz is known to release loving energy and clear away negativity. This comb will help to bring gentle, loving stimulation to the scalp for healthier-looking hair.
First, don’t transform your beauty routine into a time of ‘self-love.’ Your hitachi and your hair products should be designated for two very different drawers (teeth chipping and all that). Next, this is a really sneaky technique that you often see from bullshit artists. “Rose quartz is known to release loving energy and clear away negativity.” It doesn’t say who ‘knows’ this, there’s no evidence offered of these claim, and most egregiously, they don’t even say that this comb is going to give you these effects. But it’s in the product description, and your brain does the work for them. This is made of rose quartz, and the website suggests that rose quartz has these wonderful properties. Naturally, your hair will be energized. Vibrant. Loving.
So can I just rub my hair against crystals and voila, beautiful hair? I know where I can get one for the low price of just $66:
I also didn’t realize hair had “harmony” or that you could use a comb to reduce stress and tension unless it came with an eighth and a massage therapist. It’s doubtful, as are most of their claims. But hell, maybe with enough disposable income and a lack of understanding of how marketing bullshit worked, I too would think a $160 dinglehopper would be worth it. I can imagine it now.
“Yvette, your hair looks great today.”
“Thanks, I combed the negativity out of it and now it’s imbued with love.”
In the beauty world, there are untold degrees of bullshit between a magical energy comb and a bar of bottom shelf soap. A face mask that claims to get rid of fine lines. Something called “essence” to “promote cell turnover.” Deadened strain of a paralytic bacteria toxin injected right into your skin. Manly butt wipes (no really, it’s a thing). Some of them work to varying degrees, but read the fine print. Read the large print. Read it carefully.
But if you’re really determined to buy into the stone bullshit, stick with the OG: get a pet rock.
UPDATE: Sephora has changed the wording of the ad to make it sound like it’s pampering because rose quartz is… symbolic of love? So it’s still worth $160 for some reason? In any case, the advertising is still kinda shitty, but… less shitty. Sometimes shame works.
*for the geologists reading this, yes, I know it’s a type of quartz and a crystal and “not really a rock,” but just don’t be a joke killer for four seconds, mmmkay?