Six Things That Happen When You Sleep With An Onion In Your Sock.

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I recently came across a post from a website called simpleorganiclife.com. It was talking about meridians and Chinese medicine and detoxes that all obviously happen when you put an onion in your sock. Obviously.

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I checked through the scientific literature, and you won’t believe that I found six more things that happen when you sleep with onions in your socks.

 

1.You spend more time in solemn contemplation of the universe. 

It has everything to do with your choice to be alone in thought and nothing to do with your newly acquired reek of rancid salad. Of course. #namaste 

2.Your awareness of the diversity of your planet increases.

The website said something about meridians. The prime one is in England, right? Or is that a Chinese medicine thing? Either way, you’re feeling diverse enough to wear a print that you bought from Urban Outfitters labeled “ethnic” and a goddamn feathered headdress to Bonnaroo, you freethinker, you!

3. Animals are drawn to bow down to your authority and clean toxins off you.

Your dog also eats poop. FYI for while he’s helping “detox” the new flavor off your tootsies.

4. Your awareness that Big Pharma is out to get you is awakened. 

When you slip and fall in the middle of the night because there are goddamn onions in your socks and those little discs of olfactory goodness are slippery, you will get a concussion. That $600 bill for two aspirin? #illuminaticonfirmed

5. Something about gluten.

That shit goes great on a sandwich. Just saying. 

6. Your doctor will be thrilled to discuss Google MD’s groundbreaking medical insight at your next appointment.

Specifically, your next psychiatry appointment. 

 

 

Don’t fucking put onions in your socks. 

-SciBabe.

 

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33 Comments

  1. I dunno, I might put an onion or two in my socks if I didn’t have a bag to carry them in.
    But, as I use loads of onions, I’d probably simply get a bag, a bag can hold more and not foul up my clothing.
    It never ceases to amaze me what new age blather these critters can come up with.
    It makes me want to put a potato and onion in a sock – and knock some sense into them.
    Naw, that’d be wasting good food.

  2. What about taters? Garlic? Cloves? Allspice? Will onion rings work?

    Something’s gotta work 😉

    What if I put a pickle in my shorts?

  3. Onions in your socks? My brother and I have an ongoing disagreement concerning the relative intelligence of humanity… I won, ha!

  4. I was with you right up until you likened onion-sock-wearing lunatics to psychiatry patients. Really? You’re supposed to be in favor of modern medicine, not a mocking and discouraging force to patients.

  5. I like to have my own.
    Individual.
    Odor.
    That’s why I wear Tuna Fish Sandwich! I put a tuna fish sandwich under each arm, maybe one or two behind the ears, and I don’t smell like any other guy! And it’s very economical, too, because the smell lasts for four or five days.
    – Steve Martin

  6. A large pickle may improve sex appeal, just remember to put it down the front of your shorts. Putting it down the back will likely have the opposite effect.

  7. Hilarious article and so true, after all we all know it’s only when you put cabbage in your socks that you get a benefit! I mean we do all know that right….?

  8. You’re laughing, but I tried putting an onion in my sock and it actually cured me from my intolerance of gluten intolerants (I used to have diarrhea every time I encountered one).

    It helped me align my chakras which enables me to communicate with my cat like never before (he meows and I feed him, and it works !), and finally I used to be so sensitive to microwaves that I would weep everytime a “ding” resounded in the world, and now I cook some vegetables in it which turn out just as good as steamed (of course after I drench them in butter).

    So if I were you, I wouldn’t dismiss the magic of onions just yet !

  9. I don’t know about onions in my socks but I do know that “Positioning” in marketing can be defined as remembering to put the potato in the front of your Speedo and not in the back when you go to the beach

  10. Okay, I can think of one *possible* reason to put an onion in your sock; if you have plantar fasciitis and simply can’t find a tennis ball to roll under your arches anywhere in the house. Maybe. Just as long as you don’t take your shoes off at work, you’re good to go.

  11. I dunno about the onions, but something that I do which awakens my sense of being is to put calamari fritti smothered with tartar sauce in my butt-crack. Things that I normally take for granted and perform like a stupid robot, like my ability to walk or sit down, suddenly become more real and vivid. Also, Nature seems to embrace me: I am always surrounded by dogs.

  12. I have to say that putting onions in your sock is scientifically proven to do two things – make your feet AND socks smell like onions! Stuff that in your meridian and smell it!

  13. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on ’em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you’d say.

  14. Yes! Don’t waste good food. Put some rocks or wrenches in the sock, before you ‘gift’ them with some common sense.

  15. O.K., I tried it.

    My foot now smells *better*!

    Yipee! Happy, happy, joy, joy!

    SciBabe, you are truly a SciGoddess!

  16. If I have a food sensitivity to onions, will putting them in my socks cure me?

    I suppose that will work if I put them inside of my socks instead of eating them. But if they’re in my socks, my feet won’t be in there with them.

  17. Nice work, but I read the disclaimer which pretty much sums up they are taking the piss.

    Disclaimer

    We here at Simple Organic Life do not hold backgrounds in medicine and anything read on this website should be read with an open mind and taken with a grain of salt. Not every natural cure works for everyone, and if you have any health concerns, consult your physician! If anything, your doctor could help guide you on the best way to treat your ailments with both natural medicine, and maybe some conventional too.

    the information provided on this website is not a substitution for professional medical care, treatment or advice. All the material here is for information purposes only. Do not disregard medical advice or decline treatment because of what you’ve read here.

  18. Sigmund Freud trenchantly observed that sometimes an onion is just an onion. But Groucho Marx pointed out that while he too, like so many others, enjoyed his onion he did after all take it out (of his sock) once in a while. Just sayin’.

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