I’m dealing with nerve entrapment fuckery right now. Which are fancy pants medical words for “my left arm fucking hurts because bodies are bullshit.”
I’m not above mining my biological lemon of a meat sack for writing material.
Today’s Moment of Science… we’ve hit a nerve.
You’ve evolved with veins, organs, bones, and nerves that have arranged themselves in, more or less, predictable fashion. Most of your larger nerves are tucked away from where you can readily prod them, keeping you safeguarded from pain that feels like your innards are being attacked by two small yet feisty gerbils engaging in flaming fisticuffs.
(If you’re not picturing two gerbils in suits of armor with itsy paws wielding the power of fire, we can’t be friends).
However, there are a handful of nerves we can accidentally bang up without too much effort. Depending on the nerve, this can result in permanent headaches, shooting pains down your tuchus, or staggering about in a circle shouting “NO IT’S NOT A VERY FUNNY BONE, AUNT DIANE.”
Speaking of, the ulnar nerve and associates.
There are three major nerves responsible for controlling your me-time appendages (my band name): the radial, median, and ulnar nerves. We’re skipping the radial nerve for today but be assured, it’s out there making someone else’s life super annoying.
When you think of carpal tunnel syndrome, that’s the median nerve going all ‘notice me senpai.’ Palm side up at your wrist, the carpal tunnel is nestled in the hollow of the carpal bones. The median nerve runs through it, bringing signals to your palm, thumb, forefinger, and middle finger. The ulnar nerve is why the slightest of dings on the elbow is an entirely more miserable experience than it has any right to be. If you’ve managed to get any thinking done during that moment while screaming “fucking mother of a goat” and hoping not to be kicked out of the church, you may have noticed that the pain traveled down your forearm to your pinkie and ring finger. Similarly, you can tap the median nerve on the wrist and feel a shock travel up the corresponding fingers. At least you can if it’s inflamed, please don’t try messing with your nerves for funsies.
A bunch of the tests for carpal and cubital tunnel involve purposefully making these pains happen and measuring how fast you’re in pain. Medicine is fun like a hangnail.
Cubital tunnel is thought to come from chronic compression of the ulnar nerve, generally a repetitive stress injury. Though we often think of carpal tunnel as the ‘hammering away on the keyboard too much’ disorder, most cases are idiopathic and the causes aren’t well understood. Cases can present secondary to rheumatoid arthritis, conditions causing hormone imbalances, and many start after pregnancy.
I had more left shoulder operations than I would recommend; I recommend none, I had three. Maybe it was the surgeries. Maybe it was the arm problems that made me need the surgeries. Maybe it’s the chronic masturbating lefty. But when my lower arm hurt for no good reason, I got that poked at by a doctor. A nerve conduction study later, I was diagnosed with carpal and cubital tunnel syndrome. Because it can never just be one thing.
That was about a decade ago. Unfortunately, these issues don’t necessarily just flare up sometimes and go away with a little ice and rest. They can progress.
With time, the tingling, pain, and weakness in the hand can worsen. Muscles in the hand can atrophy, which is manageable but not entirely reversible. The hand can also start to look vaguely claw-like, which is fine for a few major holidays but a major inconvenience most of the year.
If you’re diagnosed, don’t panic about muscle wasting and your arm shriveling up quite yet. There are appropriate splints to keep the nerves and tendons around them from being further irritated, exercises, and of course, rest when it’s acutely inflamed. For severe cases, surgery can be an option. Medications can help with the pain but not reverse the disorder itself, so even if you pop some motrin? Take it easy when the gerbils are battling.
This has been your Moment of Science, welcoming my eventual claw hand years, readying a pirate costume.
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Fighting angry, armored gerbils? You lucky soul!
I get a herd of battling Pikachus, zapping away at each other and hitting every damned nerve fiber there is – including, if I believe my senses, nerves and fingers that don’t frigging exist.
Then, there’s the joyful times when a calf spasm, with attendant fire is a pleasant memory, as my leg spasms in its entierty – in the back aspect, thereby pointing my toes, turning the formerly wooden hard calf into a band of iron, while my heel literally kicks me in the ass, striking a nerve there, just to add to the agony.
Never got kicked out of church for it though, the building got up and left me to fall into flames, where my profanity extinguished perdition.
As for poking at inflamed nerves, that’s totally funsies, right up there with masturbating with a cheese grater. Both, strongly recommended for politicians and for those who try to sagely advise that pain builds character.
The last of whom tried that line with, I kicked in the shin with my combat boots and instructed to stand still so that I could continue building their character. The individual, one of my Privates, complained to the First Sergeant, who dismissed his complaint, having actually overheard the entire exchange, so he went to the Command Sergeant Major, who halted him at his Open Door with the words, “I heard and you’re lucky that’s all that he did to you”.
True story all around.