Daily MOS: The Goddamn Emu Wars

I used to think it was a joke that every living thing in Australia could make you have a no good very bad day. Then I started writing about science and holy mother of coconut crabs, maybe the continent is trying to shake humans off it like a particularly ornery flea.

Did you hear about the time Australia went to war with the goddamn emus?
Punchline: the emus won.

Today’s Moment of Science… the Emu Wars.

Typically about five feet tall and a hundred pounds, emus are related to the biggest bird on the planet, the ostrich, and the most dangerous one, the cassowary. So what does the boring cousin have to do to stand out? Well, it’s been around for eighty million years, and in that time the species has evolved some survival tactics. Major predators in its home territory are known to eat emu eggs, but since the bird has Australia-level defense systems, it does pretty well for itself when dealing with any and all local beasts.

A 2014 study on Emu behavior found them to be curious and docile. In the study they became alert and vigilant at even slight noises, and one emu generally kept watch while the mob ate. That might come up again later.

As the east coast of the continent became more populated, the emus were forced west. For a while, they wandered around Western Australia not bothering anybody too much. They migrated where the grass was greenest until they accidentally found themselves living in a society, all thanks to WWI.

When soldiers returned home from the war, the government was like “sorry about the PTSD, here’s a farm, get the fuck out of Queensland.” Which sounded like a pretty good deal, and 5,000 Aussie veterans headed west.

Howthefuckever. The land wasn’t exactly great for farming. Making matters worse, crop prices fell during the depression. The government said “don’t worry, it’s not like we’d send our beloved veterans to the middle of nowhere and abandon you. Check’s in the mail.” It was not.

Then there were the 20,000 goddamn emus.

In 1922 they went from protected native species to pest. The birds gave nary a fuck about the plight of the Australian soldier-turned-farmer. They just saw wheat and went all [SCREAMING EMU NOISES], helping themselves to a messy little buffet, and scampered to the next farm to do it again.

Farmers tried shooting them away with limited success, killing 3,000 of them in 1928. Since they were retired soldiers and fairly good shots, they figured they just didn’t have the firepower for the problem. So back they went to the government that shipped them here, demanding a word about the goddamn emus.

To have been a fly on the wall the day that the Minister of Defense, Sir George Pearce, said “yeah, I approve of this plan to provide machine guns to kill mobs of our national bird. Also, emu feather hats would be cool. Don’t fucking question me, for I am a Sir.”

On November 2nd, 1932, Australia went to war against the goddamn emus. Three soldiers, two machine guns, and ten thousand rounds of ammo were sent for battle.

They killed emus at a rate that would embarrass a fucking stormtrooper.

You can’t just sneak up on an animal that has a guard-emu patrolling during meal times. In one campaign, they killed about fifty of the birds out of a thousand. In another, their machine gun jammed and all but twelve scampered away unharmed. They almost got their shit together and learned how to hit one of the largest birds on the planet when finally someone realized it was taking ten machine gun bullets for every single confirmed emu kill.

In less than two weeks, they surrendered victory to the goddamn emus. Machine guns are no match for whatever evolution spat forth to survive eighty million years in Australia.

Over the years, farmers asked the government for help battling the goddamn emus again, which wasn’t outright refused but they did change course. 1934, the government started offering bounties on the emus, which worked better than sending out a small battalion.

Just a few years after the Emu Wars ended, Australia decided “maybe we should bring cane toads over here for pest control.” Because we will never fucking learn.

This has been your daily Moment of Science, disappointed that we’ve never seen an all-emu battalion from Australia.

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