You know who hates bed bugs more than you? Other goddamn bed bugs.
Today’s moment of science… traumatic bed bug insemination.
Going into the woods for a few hours will give you a deeper appreciation for nature and all she provides for us. Researching mother nature for a few hours will convince you that mother nature wants nothing good for any of her children.
The bed bug is a robust little fucker from the genus Cimex. If you’ve ever had an infestation, you know a few things about them already; they’re effing impossible to get rid of, and their bites can be a tad itchy. Much like mosquitoes, you’re their food source. Unlike mosquitos, they can live for about two months without feeding, making them a bit extra difficult to get rid of. They’ll happily feast on your blood while you toss and turn, leaving you to wake up sleep deprived from all the scratching.
Though infestations have been associated with a lack of hygiene, it’s more accurate to say bed bugs are associated with anywhere there’s a bed. Nobody is more annoyed with these critters than someone who’s waged a long battle against an infestation.
Except, perhaps, other bed bugs.
You see, when a momma bed bug and a daddy bed bug feel very loving- sweet weeping baby Jesus, it’s so much worse than that.
After one of the little creeps has helped themselves to a full meal of human juice, a male bed bug wanders on over, skips the lube, stabs their new mate anywhere in the abdomen he goddamn feels like with his sword-like penis, and dumps his load right into the middle of everything.
You were perhaps expecting an itsy candlelit dinner?
Sperm is then carried to the eggs via the lymphatic system. Females do have a reproductive tract, but it seems to be an exit-only. Typically, female bed bugs are impregnated after feasting, but any bed bug that’s feasted recently will catch the attention of the male bed bug. All bed bugs gotta eat, there’s so gay bed bug sex aplenty.
What exactly does this do to the female, other than make new bed bugs? They can lose significant amounts of fluids through successive stab wounds to partners with poor aim, sometimes leading to fatality. Some species have developed a structure called the spermalege. It helps with post-coital wound healing and overall fertilization success.
What evolutionary advantage is gained specifically with the “deposit sperm via stabbing” method? Unclear, but there are theories on why traumatic insemination became a thing across several species. They pretty much all come back to “I gotta get my genes to the other side of the pool before Gary, the asshole flatworm does.” Traumatic insemination was an adaptation for overcoming competition from other males and resistance to mating from females. It rarely hurts the males of the species, but often leaves the female of the species maimed.
I feel for the female bed bug. But also, fuck each and every last bed bug on this Earth.
This has been your daily Moment of Science, asking you… do you feel a tiny little itch?
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I want a book !
I don’t get itchy with bedbug bites, I actually blister. Hence, why I killed off an infestation with a biological attack with a mold that loves to consume them alive. Beauveria bassiana is quite lethal to them.
Still, one has to say something about bedbugs unique reproduction strategy. What other species can boast of having antibiotic semen?
Oh, bedbugs get even better (worse actually) than that. Way back in my highschool philosophy of science class (my highschool rocked…) we got to read a chapter from David Quammen’s “The Flight of the Iguana” (available for free on google books, sadly the two pages with the actual details are skipped) – the chapter’s called “Nasty Habits”, and it’s all about african bedbugs, and how they relate to arguments about creationism.
There’s a particular species of African bedbug called Xylocaris Maculipennis, who in particular do not limit their vorpal affections to members of the opposite gender – which the people who study them were able to determine, causes the “recipient” to, on their own next attempt to breed, make use of their attacker’s reproductive materials instead of their own.
Thus, evolutionary advantage.