MOS: The Giant African Land Snail

Well, we haven’t had an invasive species story for like four minutes. We were due for snails of unusual size.

Today’s Moment of Science… Death to Gary the Snail.

Better known by their common name, the giant African land snail, Lissachatina fulica comes from a family of hefty gastropods. Their shells are typically about five inches wide and eight inches long. The largest one on record was over 15 inches from booty to slimy little snoot, and weighed in at precisely two goddamn pounds of escargnope.

Prodigious breeders, adults generally each drop about 1,200 eggs per year. I say ‘each’ because they’re hermaphroditic, and sometimes snail love tangoes involve one mollusk inseminating the other (a unilateral sperm transfer), while other times they could really say “we’re pregnant” and both get each other pregnant (a bilateral sperm transfer). They typically lay upwards of 200 eggs at a time, 5-6 times a year.

Over the years, plenty of people have traveled to East Africa, thought to themselves “finally, a teacup chihuahua for the kids that I’m not allergic to,” and brought one of these rascals home with them. Sometimes these little buggers have snuck a ride to far away new homes hiding in cargo shipments.

So, Florida.

It’s not the giant African snails’ first attempt at setting up camp in America’s taint. They’ve been declared eradicated in Florida twice, first in 1975 then again in… oh, look at that. Last year. They were considered “eradicated” less than the length of a human pregnancy ago. I, for one, believe in Floridians’ right to exert their choice to abort this bastard.

‘But Mrs. Auntie SciBabe,’ I hear the mollusk enthusiasts amongst us cry out, ‘how could an adorable army of giant snails roving across the Florida countryside be anything other than an improvement?’

Well, it’ll eat anything. I don’t just mean buffet style, feast on all the bugs and grass it can find anything, but it’ll do that too and out-compete native species in the process. I mean ANYTHING, like sand and recycling bins and stucco and the goddamn plaster in your walls. They’ll even eat other giant African snails if they’re in a fucking mood.

Then there’s all the periwinkle poo. Their voracious appetites produce a lot of rank smelling snail trails in their wake. While it’s not exactly news that shit stinks, there are compounding factors here. First, don’t forget that just one pair can produce about 2,400 breeding shitshells (my band name) in a year. A few generations of snail mates getting together and that’s a lot of slow paced ca-ca sliding around.

Then there’s the itsy ‘can cause brain inflammation in humans’ issue.

A parasite commonly referred to as rat lungworm does the backstroke in their turd. The little fucking nematode can pass into humans and cause meningitis. It invariably starts with a headache, and typically progresses to include visual disturbances, stiff neck, nausea, and fatigue. It can progress quickly through a slew of other terrifying symptoms straight to paralysis, coma, and death without treatment. It can also just spontaneously resolve.

Treatment isn’t well sorted out and sounds fucking miserable. Typically, albendazole is used to kill the worms, then a combination of prednisolone and serial spinal taps bring down the inflammation and pressure on the brain while those neuron munching beasts are dying. The protocol isn’t firmly agreed upon, and how much of which nasty cuntwhistle of a treatment is thrown down changes from one case to the next.

The snails’ return to Pasco County, FL has brought a temporary quarantine, but it’s not like an infectious disease quarantine. People are still allowed to travel freely, but moving agricultural materials (like plants or soil) out of the area that could contain the giant African snails or their eggs is prohibited. Residents have been strongly advised by the department of agriculture not to even touch the snails without gloves.

I strongly suspect that I haven’t dissuaded at least half of you from wanting one as a pet.

This has been your Moment of Science, a little worried about the inevitable state initiative to eat locally harvested snail sushi for inoculation purposes.

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