Y’all, I’m almost over this cold but with a focus level approximately that of blarg, I am relegated to giving you even more penis facts. I’m sorry or you’re welcome.
Today’s Moment of Science… Hey, did you know? Fun fuckers edition.
Many species engage in same sex courtship, parenting, and banging. It’s a goddamn long list of species, including pigeons, vultures, bedbugs, tortoises, hyenas, sheep, and of course, some of our primate cousins. This is absofuckinglutely part of the gay agenda and the future liberals want.
Sharks have two penises called ‘claspers.’ And look. They’re just goddamn magnificent.
Garter snakes form something called a mating ball when it comes time to create more nightmares for the next ill-advised Indiana Jones moneygrab. A female snake in heat releases some ‘come slither’ pheromones and a dozen or so get together in what looks like, well, it’s probably exactly what you’re picturing. The males have two headed penises because evolution has no sense of shame.
Grand, majestic dolphins have prehensile penises. They’re known to use them to feel around for something to, uh, poke at. They’re not entirely picky either. Since they’re such goddamn sluts (game respects game) with no access to dolphin sized condoms, it’s not entirely surprising that many of them have cases of grand, majestic genital warts.
Pigs can have a ninety minute orgasm.
I’m sorry… what?
Approximately 97% of bird species don’t have penises. The ones that do are mainly giant flightless monsters, geese, swans, and ducks. Not to be too judgemental, but ducks are terrifying sexual predators and I have concluded that penises on birds was an evolutionary mistake.
You may think you’re into some rough stuff, but the humble sea slug probably has you beat. They stab their partners in the forehead during sex. During their hermaphroditic dance of love, they both inseminate each other, and they each get a poke in what’s best described as a forehead. It’s not exactly clear why they do this, but as with so many things in the animal kingdom, I think it’s just because they’re into it.
Alligators have permanent erections, which explains the grin.
You may have an ex that you refer to as a sexual parasite, but the anglerfish is the only species that’s gone pro with the practice. And I’ll tell you more about that sparkling pluck of life next time.
This has been your Moment of Science, reminding you to fuck weird, it’s only natural.
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