I can’t be the only one who’s taken a good long at society and thought ‘fuck it, everyone’s gone berserk, I’m gonna go breed llamas.’
Well.
Today’s Moment of Science… Berserk Llama Syndrome.
The four lamoid species include llamas, alpacas, vicuñas and guanacos. Genetic testing indicates that llamas and alpacas were likely domesticated from guanacos and vicuñas, respectively. The walking spitballs are capable of breeding with each other, which can result in fertile offspring. Guanaco and vicuña are mostly found in the wild, while llamas and alpacas are off living cushy lives of leisure, being bred for their renewable supply of fuzzy socks.
A distant cousin of the camel, these pack animals are indiginous to the west coast of South America and bred for wool on six continents. Baby llamas, called crias, weigh 20-30lbs at birth and typically grow to be about 290-330lb adults. Guanacos are around the same size, while adult alpacas and vicuñas are in the 90-140lb range. Wool texture and color can vary greatly from one pack to the next.
Tempting as it may be to go hardcore DIY on procuring your knitting supplies, I’m gonna throw it out there that… maybe don’t. It’s not merely because I’m an enemy of joy.
Though often linked to being bottle-fed, a juvenile llama who simply spends too much time with humans can develop berserk llama syndrome (also called aberrant behavior syndrome). It’s a kind of imprinting that causes a llama to have trouble distinguishing between humans and other llamas.
At first, ‘llamas accepting you as one of their own’ may sound like the plot of a Disney movie. But a berserk llama fighting for its territory isn’t saying ‘one of us, one of us’ while trying to knock you to the ground and curb stomp your fucking neck. I’d reckon it’s screeching ‘YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM.’
Male llamas are much more likely to come down with the affliction, though females do sometimes have a less dangerous form of the syndrome (generally limited to spitting and being a drama llama). Males are much more territorial, driving them to fight nearly everything they identify as another male llama.
This doesn’t mean human contact should be limited to just vet visits. You don’t want to be one of the herd, but let’s not overcorrect so hard that the little camelids see humans as shitty llamas with syringes. Important socialization takes place during brushing, halter training, and other interactions in the first two years of life.
There are ways to reduce the chances of berserk llama syndrome. Castration by about two years of age is recommended by some vets, but it’s not a replacement for appropriate contact with humans. If a llama has to be bottle-fed, it should be done with other llamas huddled around it so the human isn’t their focus. They should be kept out of humans’ personal space, and given firm boundaries when exhibiting pushy behaviors.
Following people around and sniffing at their feet may seem harmless when they’re tiny, but these can be signs of future trouble for a young llama. It’s not always clear to the untrained handler when their llama has gone berserk.
In 2007 in Terrebonne, OR, a woman was going for a jog when a berserk llama attacked her out of fucking nowhere. The ‘rescue llama’ had been rehomed a month prior, escaped its fenced in yard, and attacked her before attempting to attack her eight year old daughter. It reportedly took five people to pin down the 250lb animal.
I’m just saying, buy your fancy goddamn yarn on etsy.
This has been your Moment of Science, just saying I still want a llama but I don’t want to risk explaining to my therapist that building a farm for two scarves and a hat worth of yarn didn’t work out.
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