We return to our regularly scheduled five days a week of motherfuckers, incidents, and today combining two of my favorite subjects, floofs and ‘Straya. Someone asked in my comments section the other day what my deal was with Australia. “My deal” is that every time I think I’ve heard the most ridiculous possible factoid about their vermicious knids and other assorted zoological nightmares, Australia goes “but wait, there’s more.”
Today’s Moment of Science… Echidnas, the platypus’s even goddamn weirder cousin.
Monotremes are an order of mammals found in just a few corners of the world outside of Australia. Meaning ‘one hole,’ the name monotreme refers to their solitary bio-lightning port that’s used for shitting, pissing, and fucking. The only egg-laying mammals, monotremes branched off the evolutionary tree of life about 160 million years ago. This gave them plenty of time to get- scientific term- super goddamn weird. There are only five known living species in the order, including the platypus and four species of echidnas.
Looking every bit like the offspring of a hedgehog that fucked an aardvark, the echidna also has a four-headed penis.
(I really should just end there. You’re googling already, please come back after you’ve quenched your curiosity for monotreme quadriphallus, subscribe to my patreon, thx).
Echidnas are playing the convergent evolution game on WTF mode. Not related to anteaters, they use their long snoots to eat ants amongst other goodies. Not related to hedgehogs or porcupines, their spines are likewise modified hairs armored with keratin. Not a goddamn marsupial, they carry their young in a pouch.
Like the platypus, they have a spur on their hind leg. However, the platypus has a gland that releases venom via that spur, while the echidna is a bit more festive. It has a scent gland that kicks into gear during the mating season, spreading those ‘how you doin’ scents of pheromones, echidna piss, and really wanting to tell you about their podcast.
Solitary creatures, male echidnas are mostly out doing their own thing except during mating season. An echidna conga line of up to ten males follows around one female, sometimes for weeks, until she signals “I’ve got one hole and I’m ready to party, lads.” Most species turn this into a ritualized echidna battle royale for the one hole to rule them all, while others just… fuck. A lot.
Though echidnas use pouches to carry their offspring, they don’t have built in bjorns like marsupials. Pseudo-pouches form when they contract muscles in their abdomen. As soon as an egg is laid, mama echidna deposits it in her pouch, keeping the under-developed puggle tucked in there for a few months after hatching. Once the itsy little pincushions start to be a pain to carry 6-8 weeks later, they move on to living in mom’s den for up to a year.
In the place of nipples, the echidna has ‘milk patches’ on the chest that secretes milk for puggles to lap up in the pouch. Due to the high iron content, their milk is pink. Which I don’t have a joke for but Jesus Christ, this is the most Australian animal.
Echidnas can experience REM sleep with brain waves that resemble that of a newborn human, and scientists aren’t entirely clear as to why. I have decided I don’t need to understand, I just need to accept my monotreme overlords.
This has been your Moment of Science, sure that still I haven’t found the most terrifying Australian thing yet and I’ve written about cassowaries and Pauline Hanson.
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You neglected to point out that male echidnas have a 4 headed penis. And of course, all male members of the Macropodiae have bifurcated penises.
Yeah, I “neglected” it by very clearly stating it. Uh huh. Well done, you.