Even with things like nerve agents, genetically modified smallpox, and Ted Cruz, some of the planet’s more toxic critters can still just pop up like, well, weeds.
Today’s Moment of Science… Giant hogweed.
Growing up to eighteen feet tall with flowers measuring five feet in diameter, I’m assured this is the crankiest of the carrot’s distant cousins. Native to the Caucasus region and parts of Southwest Asia, in the early 1900s someone thought “this toxic asshole plant would look great in my garden in upstate New York.” To be fair, it’s rather eye-catching, with flowers that could be mistaken for Queen Anne’s lace at a glance.
One plant typically produces about 20,000 seeds. Even if they weren’t too aware of the plant’s more annoying properties when they brought it to the US, after a few years and a couple of strong winds, goddamn everyone else would be.
Its sap contains a group of chemicals called furanocoumarins. This class of compounds can have a variety of effects. Ever had a medication with a warning label not to take it with grapefruit? Two compounds classified as furanocoumarins can muck about with your liver enzymes and drug metabolism. (For real though, take those grapefruit warning labels seriously).
If only the furanocoumarins in giant hogweed were so polite.Find yourself with the misfortune of crashing into a particularly sap covered one of these fuckers and the furanocoumarins seep right into your skin cells. Being phototoxic, this means your problems are just beginning.
A lot of fascinating shit happens biochemically when you get a sunburn, but the biggie is that your DNA is getting raw dogged by the goddamn sun. Hate to break it to you slugger, but that ‘healthy’ glow is radiation damage. With the giant hogweed, UV-A rays from our celestial nuclear reactor facilitates the furanocoumarins attaching right onto DNA, which is already gonna give you a miserable day. Further sun exposure can cause even more DNA damage in what looks kinda like a sunburn befitting Cronenberg’s aesthetic.
It’s not exactly the same as a sunburn, but it looks and feels like the final boss of sunburns.
It’s not uncommon for an encounter to leave patients with seeping blisters and permanent scars. The sap has been known to cause blindness if it gets into someone’s eyes. Generally the more sap, the worse the damage.
But, that’s just ‘generally.’
Because, for whatever reason, some people just don’t seem to react to it. Huh.
If you find a plant that you suspect to be the giant hogweed on your property, don’t try to be the hero. Several states where it’s endemic have programs set up to manage it. Take a picture (from a safe distance and please don’t touch the little bastard) to document it and send it to the appropriate authorities who will- free of charge- rid your garden of this toxic asshole fire weed.
This has been your Moment of Science, sure that in another corner of the multiverse, some people are yelling that gloves and masks don’t work for protection from giant hogweed, and since some people aren’t affected at all, it doesn’t kill anybody, and the chances of blindness is very low, this is all clearly a hoax.
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Back in the early 1970s the British band Genesis had a track on one of their albums called ‘Return of the Giant Hogweed’ which perhaps should have been required listening for anybody wanting to aquire one of these murder-weeds!
Some years ago, a couple of festival-goers here in Denmark had the brilliant idea, that the stem of one of these fuckers would be great to use as a bong…