I have a terrible case of cannotfocusonfuckallitosis. So we’re gonna talk about weird old timey medicine.
Today’s Moment of Science… Hey did you know? Terrifying treatments edition
Once upon a time they used cocaine to treat toothaches. When applied by brushing a solution of the drug onto the gums, it worked pretty well. But just a hunch, it doesn’t have that medicinal effect when inhaled, and you’re just trying to finish your screenplay. To be fair, at least cocaine worked. A paste of dead mice was also used to soothe an aching tooth, and I have more questions than answers.
Got yourself any sort of breathing problems? Then don’t settle for any old cigarettes, get Dr. Batty’s Asthma Cigarettes! Smoking tobacco was recommended for goddamn everything– asthma, hay fever, head cold, influenza– what couldn’t these miracle sticks of cancerous regret do for you?
Cornflakes were cooked up by a doctor with some whackadoodle ideas about touching yourself… but contrary to popular rumor, John Harvey Kellogg did not invent cornflakes to keep your hands off your favorite parts. He made the cereal to be easily digestible. He was pretty weird about the anti-jerking it thing though, so it’s easy to see how rumors started. His treatments for the chronic masturbator included tying their hands up and giving them an enema. Kinky motherfucker.
Arthritis flared up? If you happen to stumble upon a recently deceased whale, you may be in luck. Back in the 1890s, folks would cozy into a warm whale carcass and emerge a day or two later, claiming they’d been relieved from their symptoms, like Jonah finding salvation. It allegedly provided relief for an entire year. It’s also possible that nobody wanted to admit it didn’t work while they still smelled like a six foot taint.
In the mood to get back in the game, boys? Be glad you’re living in a time with readily available little blue pills. If you had erectile dysfunction back in the fuck-around-and-find-out days of medicine, they were just going to hit you with some electricity. Where? Anywhere. Use an electrified belt and while you’re shocking your nads back to life, hit that aching sciatic nerve too. Maybe hop in a bath with some electrodes (don’t worry, a doctor who totes understood how this worked was supervising). Or if that’s not hitting the moneymaker, a smidge of electricity shoved directly into the urethra was just the ticket.
(They also tried treating toothaches with electricity- which makes me think maybe medicine gave up a bit prematurely on that cocaine treatment).
Breastmilk is really good for feeding babies, but not so great as a blood substitute. A few milk transfusions were attempted in the 1800s because conventional wisdom said “this stuff will turn into white blood cells somehow, right?” People died, so.
The punchline for rabies if you don’t get a super fucking prompt vaccination is almost always death. The old timey attempts at staving off a gruesome end benefited from being entertaining at best, or torture in your final few months before the foaming phase started at worst. Drink milk with pepper in it and have a cold bath. Slap some raw veal on the bite. Cut away the flesh around the animal bite and cauterize. Press a madstone- a hardened hairball from an ungulate of your choice passed down through families but not bought or sold because that’s bad luck- to the wound to draw out the poison. Jesus Christ, we do not heap enough praise on Louis Pasteur’s name.
Vin Mariani was known as a ‘tonic wine.’ This meant it was wine with even more fuck-you-up in it. Cocaine tonics for your health were all the rage in the 1800s, and this one was one of the most popular of the era. Recommended for “overworked men, delicate women, and sickly children,” it was enjoyed by royalty, tzars, and popes. It went on to serve as inspiration to John Pemberton in developing his American champagne, Coca-cola. I’m still not sure what it cured, but it sounds like fun.
I hear babies are difficult, which is why I did not have one. However, the folks at Mrs. Winslow’s Soothing Syrup staked out darker territory. Made by a pediatric nurse from Bangor, ME, it was for fussy babies. Colicky babies. Teething babies. Maybe even babies going through opiate withdrawal from the syrup, because this shit had 65mg of morphine per ounce. Nicknamed ‘the baby killer,’ it was pulled from an increasingly regulated market, but not before making the family that concocted it into millionaires.
Have a pain in the ass? The cure might be worse than the symptom. Hemorrhoids used to be treated via cauterization with a hot iron. I’m not sure what size hemorrhoid it would take to get me to consider the hot poker treatment, but also I do not want to find out.
This has been your Moment of Science, never more grateful for readily available legal cannabis than I am after writing one of these.
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