Well. It’s another day of Mrs. Auntie SciBabe can’t fucking concentrate. And y’all had way, way too much fun with the article about dorks yesterday. So.
Today’s Moment of Science…. Hey, did you know: zoological junk edition.
At ten feet in length and a foot in diameter, the blue whale boasts the largest prick on this fair Earth. However, when it comes to shaft-to-body ratio, none can compare to the humble barnacle. Depending on the species, hot throbbing barnacle cock can grow up to eight times the length of its body. Knowing that whales often have barnacles growing on them, I’m starting to see them as God’s weird underwater penis art installation.
Kangaroos have three vaginas, which just seems like they’re showing off. Two are ‘in’ holes for sperm to travel up to their two uteri, naturally. One down the center is an exit-only for joeys to head out into the world. Other marsupials like koalas and wombats have a similar structure, an evolutionary nightmare and/or advantage allowing them to incubate a new Australian constantly.
When I first heard of penis fencing, I thought it was perhaps a new term for a dick waving contest. Hooboy. Hermaphroditic flatworms playing a game of “someone’s gotta carry the baby and howabout not me” try to transfer sperm to their fencing partner. Depending on the joust of love and the species, it can be a bilateral transfer so both partners become pregnant. Other times the successful jouster walks away a ‘father’ in search of another flatworm to eventually make them a ‘mother.’
Elephants have a 30kg prehensile penis. This was a lot to take in mentally. And physically, I would imagine.
The proboscis monkey has a permanent, somewhat alarmingly red erection. That you’re probably googling now, I’m sorry or you’re welcome. Please come back later, tip your waitresses, subscribe to my patreon, thx.
Pandas are into smut, and who can blame them? After years of pandas in captivity being all “not tonight I have a headache,” researchers were finally like “idk porn?” Punchline: it goddamn worked. I’m still unclear on the details of how they produced panda porn, but I hope these adorable floofs enjoy it until the Christian right gets wind of it.
Porcupines aren’t just into watersports, they have a goddamn tournament over it. During mating season, males fight for the right to tinkle all over the lucky lady before the beautiful act of making a baby pincushion. Scientists think it’s how females give a potential mate the sniff test. I think some of them are just into it.
Donald Duck should be wearing pants, he knows what he did. Ducks’ spiney, corkscrew penises are terrifying, and duck copulation is… I’m gonna call it ‘messy’ so that I don’t get banned from facebook. Virtually every duck with a penis and an opportunity is a goddamn sex offender.
Ditto perverted dolphins and necrophiliac otters. If it’s in the ocean and Disney made your childhood magical with it, it’s probably a fucking monster.
The female hyena has a seven inch clitoris. Lucky cunt.
Sexy times of the anglerfish, antechinus shrew, and Chromodoris reticulata sea slug were just so spectacularly wild that I’ll have to tell you about them in their own articles.
This has been your Moment of Science, thinking of all the evil ducks I’ve fed.
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