Making new humans is not something I’m in the business of doing for several reasons. First, kids are known to be sticky. Second, it packs a wallop of pain and potential medical complications from tit to tailbone. As I’ve found out though, you don’t need to incubate a baby to have an udder go all cattywampus.
And when any of my body parts commit mutiny, I can’t help but milk that shit for content.
(Uh, a bit more literally than usual this time).
Today’s Moment of Science… I looked at so many pictures of unhappy hooters for this article.
The history of modern obstetrics and gynecology is overloaded with racism, eugenics, and – scientifically speaking– mothercunting fuckery. The chainsaw was invented for childbirth because sometimes forceps weren’t enough and you just had to split the pubic bone open a smidge. Birth control pills were tested out on rats, rabbits, mental patients in Massachusetts, and impoverished Puerto Rican women. And Dr. James Marion Sims, sometimes referred to as the ‘father of modern gynecology,’ researched experimental surgical procedures on enslaved Black women who were fully conscious. These surgeries resulted in some new treatments, sure, but reportedly white women had high rates of ‘nope’sing off his operating table because- and hear me out- they were free to goddamn leave.
Our ability to manage all of this has gotten marginally less fucking yikes in the last century. That said, preventing every last ache associated with propagating the species seems damn near impossible. Even under perfect conditions, popping out a new contribution to the economy comes with a laundry list of potential health hazards. This is why I cleverly had my fallopian tubes yanked out in an attempt to avoid the whole mess.
Or so I thought. Well yes, my fallopian tubes are long gone. However, some conditions that are most commonly linked to breastfeeding can just up and slap you in the jugs.
So, hot titties. Or mastitis if you want to get all technical about it.
It’s more than clinical grade sore boobs. These life-sustaining funbags come with pain, swelling, a burning sensation, discharge, and potentially flu-like symptoms including a fever, chills, and body aches. Mastitis is linked to nursing, but what’s the actual cause? According to the Cleveland Clinic, “breast inflammation can lead to infection.” Per the American Cancer Society, it’s “inflammation (…) caused by an infection.” The Mayo Clinic informs me that it’s “inflammation of breast tissue that sometimes involves an infection.” Clear as mud, yeah?
It’s not that ⅔ of these usually reliable sources are wrong. There’s just no singular pathology of mastitis.
An infection can cause inflammation, leading to clogged ducts. In other cases, delayed milk expression can cause the milk ducts to become blocked. This causes inflammation and (sometimes) infection. Or inflammation can come from a litany of possible causes, giving environmental microbes a cozy little nest in which to fuck up your day. Typically the infection is from bacteria, most often Staphylococcus aureus or Streptococcus spp. But fungal infections from Candida or Cryptococcus are not out of the question because all sorts of microbes are bastards.
Contributing factors can include a germy little infant mouth, tightly fitted tops and/or bras, physical trauma to the breast, or contamination from things like breast implants or nipple piercings. It’s estimated that up to ⅓ of breastfeeding mothers develop the condition. Something that occurs so frequently means you probably didn’t fuck up boob ownership if it happens to you.
As mentioned, I’m not breastfeeding. So I have non-lactational mastitis… for the second time. We’re not sure why, and at this point I need some diagnostic imaging. The antibiotics seem to be working, and no, I am not even slightly interested in hearing that your first google result came back a bit cancery, mmmkay?
Subareolar abscess, tissue necrosis, and Raynaud’s disease of the nipple are some possible causes, but they’re not typically high up on the list of suspects. On the other hand, duct ectasia, in which the ducts get wider and flatter, is a relatively common cause in women my age. Known contributing factors include aging and smoking cigarettes, so if you’re not smoking it’s just non-luck of the draw that comes with being alive for a while. It’s unclear whether inflammation causes the widened ducts or the altered duct shape leads to inflammation, but similar treatment is recommended for either egg-to-chicken-to-egg scenario: antibiotics and NSAIDs. In some cases, throw in a hot compress.
That said, similar symptoms can require different treatments due to wildly varying underlying pathologies. Flaming hot tiddies are due to one of the usual suspects most of the time, but I wouldn’t bet my areolas on it. It’s rare, but without proper treatment, this simple inflammatory condition can become a fatal case of sepsis. So please, seek out medical treatment quickly if this tit fuckery happens to you.
This has been your Moment of Science, drowning in Augmentin.
Not only for the ladies though.
Early teens, got mastitis for no reason and trust me, I’m as male as they come. Trust me, I counted.
Repeatedly. Being human, it’s an easy count, 1. Pair to bowl with and a football bat. You have your sports, I’ve got my own.
Then, a few years back, flaming hot titties. My wife of several (at the time) decades had all manner of mirth when I had to go for a mammogram. Yeah, popular to put the painful into a press, I recommend that alongside masturbating with a cheese grater.
Turned out, my traitorous immune system had renewed its attack on my thyroid, all manner of biochemical shenanigans ensued and I was growing boobs, gynecomastia being the thousand dollar word for the condition in males.
Adjusting my methimazole dose nipped things before things got too nipply for my preference, although my wife had some new biological toys to play with and joke about (don’t worry, we did “The Lockhorns” at parties, all is fun until someone puts out an eye).
We’ll discuss prehensile tongues in another species…