Bah, humbug! It’s been a crappy day, and I still gotta do some science. So we’re gonna have to make it a good and scategorical night with a review of the shit we’ve talked this year.
Today’s Moment of Science… Fectacular science.
No listicle about the animal kingdom’s most festive poopers would be complete without the one critter that shits bricks: the wombat. Reason for the sturdy buggers’ cubic poop is likely due to being- well technically, having- a unique asshole. A study from the University of Tasmania suggested the stackable excrement is formed through how the fecal matter is dried and some wombat-specific muscular contractions in the last stretch of colon. Two rigid and two soft sides of the intestinal tract are also suspected to contribute to the most memeable shit (my band name).
Cassowaries, everyone’s favorite prehistoric Australian murder peacock, the kids love ‘em! The question ‘why do we need death birds with nightmare toes’ may be weighing on you, which is fair. These colorful assassins of the avian world play a huge role in germinating their habitat. They live mainly off fruit that’s fallen to the forest floor. As they travel through their territory, they re-deposit the seeds with, uh, a dose of cassowary fertilizer.
The circle of life in a heap of cassowary shit, folks.
Kinkajous provide a similar service in South America. Though technically omnivores, these gluttonous nocturnal rainforest trash pandas live to eat, dining and dashing on all the fruit and sugary delights they can shovel into their itsy face holes. A five inch long extensible tongue helps them dig into flowers and ripe fruits. In the process, these hungry souls are doing their part for their ecosystem via seed dispersal and cross-pollination. Which are fancy ways to say “shitting seeds majestically across the rainforest” and “getting goddamn wasted on nectar.
Ever seen Fido digging around in the litter box for forbidden treats? The practice is known as coprophagia, i.e. poop eating. Though there are explanations that involve maintaining gut flora, nutrient deficiencies, attention seeking, or even boredom? My dog’s shit eating grin says he’s just into it.
To be fair, who are we to judge?
(How I wish this was merely a lead up to joke about eating ass).
One of the most expensive types of coffee in the world is produced by a distant kitty cousin, the civet. And by “produced,” I mean these clever cats eat the coffee, and curiously their digestive system acts as an organic enzymatic fermentation treatment. The beans make an exit ringside for harvesting. I’d like to say that the beans go through some sort of treatment that assures they’re free of fecal matter before serving, but I can’t convince myself that the, uh, civet-processed coffee beans aren’t fecal matter themselves. Many reviews of the coffee, kopi luwak, say it’s hype.
Bottom line, it went in one end of the civet and out the other. It’s literally shit. Whatever you think shit tastes like, this is it. We’re a species that sometimes pays handsomely for coffee that’s been harvested from tweaker cat dung. So… give your idiot dog a break with their little recycling habit.
Speaking of the most popular legal addiction, that post-coffee poo can occasionally feel like it’s cleaned out everything you’ve ingested since your last crunchwrap. But no coffee- or chronically low fiber diet- has anything on the fecal event of the sloth. Dropping up to a third of their body weight in the weekly deuce, it’s literally the only thing they ever stand up for. They do a little boogie called- scientific term- the ‘poo dance,’ digging a hole to bury their droppings in. A satisfying shit might be worth a wait, but for the sloth it’s to their own peril.
Since their name is accurate, leaving the safety of the tree immediately turns them into a potential meal. About half of sloth fatalities occur on their weekly trip to the toilet. And you thought it was rough when you forgot your smartphone before hunkering down for a thorny shit.
This has been your Moment of Science, absolutely sure there’s enough material for a sequel to this. A number two, if you will.
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