I normally prefer my dick jokes boneless, but today it’s best to lube up.
Today’s Moment of Science… I was not prepared for the number of dick pics there are on wikipedia.
Evolution sorted out all kinds of creative and downright horrifying ways for animals to moosh their genitals together. The 3-in-1 of the undercarriage world, the cloaca, works as one hole to rule all things cumming and going. Some birds make an egg by tribbing those nasty little guano holes together briefly. Others have a phallus that pokes out of the cloaca for action, and it’s scientifically proven that every last bird with a penis is a fucking monster (which is another column entirely). Most marsupials have bifurcated penises, a technical term meaning a two-headed dick. Which makes sense when you consider their mates have three vaginas. Then there’s the echidna with a four-headed penis because… Australia.
So, the boner bone.
Ahem- the baculum, aka the penis bone.
Suspected to have shown up pretty early in the evolution of placental mammals, this leaded pencil is an incredibly common piece of anatomy. A 2016 study suggests this prehistoric Viagra killer arrived somewhere between 95 and 145 million years ago, and evolved itself onto mammalian crotches at least nine separate times. A compelling hypothesis, sure, but it’s still just one study. Boulder of salt and all that.
After quite the long hard evolutionary pounding, the shape, size, and exact function of this diverse joystick varies from beast to brute. The cat’s barb-coated nuisance operates as somewhat of an unholy ovulation induction shaft. In mice, there’s enough variation in their teeny weeny bones that scientists decided to take measurements. Turns out a wider baculum is predictive of larger critter litters (and we’re still not sure exactly why). The honey badger’s is shaped more or less like an ice cream scoop. The suspected function is Plan-B’ing rival sperm out of there. Another off-brand weasel got in there first? The crazy nastyass honey badger schlong scoop don’t care.
Something the baculum tends to be predictive of? Fucking for a good goddamn long time.
(Kinda.)
One technique to keep yourself in the evolutionary long game is simply cock-blocking the competition. In other primates, the presence of a baculum tends to be linked to longer intromission time (a fancy pants term for having the penis bone in the baby maker). Furthermore, primate species with longer bacula are typically able to stay in the game for longer than species with less substantial ones. This includes both active time jackhammering away and, in some cases, post-ejaculation time obstructing the next would-be suitor’s creepy little ice cream scoop.
Our closest evolutionary cousins have bacula on the smaller side. Described as “no longer than a human fingernail,” the chimp baculum equips it with the stamina of a cowboy- seven seconds, tops. Bonobo baculum (which is absolutely my new band name) is a bit under a centimeter, and they’re going the distance at thirteen seconds.
Humans are the odd great ape out with nary a boney schlong amongst us (stick a pin in that). And it depends on the study, but our average intromission time is clocked at somewhere between two and five minutes.
“But Ms. Auntie SciBabe,” I hear one overly confident dudebro in the audience ask, “I definitely last an hour.” As much as I’m sure that’s true for some of my readers, nobody is judging you for being average. We’re judging you for not eating pussy.
It’s not clear why exactly humans lost the baculum, but one theory? Monogamy. Sexual competition went down, so the need to box out the next prick wasn’t quite as vital for propagating the bloodline. It could also be that the human penis, in all its current delightful weirdness, was positively selected by women seeking out junk for pleasure (attached to perfectly adequate men, I’m sure). Of course, none of this explains why we last even marginally longer than a bonobo, but I’m not going to complain. Too much.
If you’re still having bone envy, there are options. None of them are particularly good though.
One way is being born with it, but a congenital baculum is so rare that there’s apparently only one documented case in the medical literature. The infinitely more common route is Peyronie’s disease. Along with risk factors like connective tissue disorders and autoimmune conditions, it’s understood to be caused by physical trauma. The formation and buildup of fibrous scar tissue can give the erection a fun little curve (…hey now). Without treatment erections can be painful, and the condition can lead to erectile dysfunction. There are effective medication-based and surgical treatment options that can halt progression of the disorder and help with symptoms.
In some severe cases though, the disease results in ossification of penile tissue.
Dick bone, if you will.
If any of this rings a bell regarding some symptoms you’ve been attempting to ignore, don’t get too excited about all the potential boner jokes. Haul ass to a urologist, because there’s 2-5 minutes of boning at stake here.
This has been your Moment of Science, just letting you know that our distant cousins, the adorable little galagos and their bacula, bang for up to two hours at a time.
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